Pussy Riot band member Nadezhda Tolokonnikova denied parole

WORLD: Moscow -- Member of Russian feminist punk band Pussy Riot, Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, was denied parole on Friday.  She and two other members of the band were charged with "hooliganism" in March of last year for performing a "punk prayer" in a church, criticizing Putin, the Prime Minister of Russia at the time.  She was sentenced to two years in a "penal colony".

She was later quoted as saying, "Hey, it could be worse.  There's plenty to keep me entertained here in the penal colony.  I'm so glad they didn't send me to the vagina colony!"

A number of American celebrities and dignitaries took up for the fresh-faced young woman, including former presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton.

Raw YouTube footage of the band's unconventional performance at Christ the Savior Cathedral in central Moscow, Russia's main Orthodox church, which got them into trouble can be accessed via this link.  It appears they were doing a Russian version of the Harlem Shake.  Caution, viewer discretion is advised lol...

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Feds frustrated in ricin letter case

Tupelo, Mississippi — Perturbed federal agents came up empty-handed in their investigation of a Mississippi, Elvis impersonator.  Charges were dismissed today without prejudice for lack of evidence against Paul Kevin Curtis.  

They have now focused their suspicion on another Mississippi man, Everett Dutschke.  A ten hour search of his property was concluded today.  Investigators declined to say if he now is a suspect for sending  ricin-laced letters to President Barack Obama and others because he may also have impersonated Elvis in the past.

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Stoners descend on Denver capitol like locust pack

Denver, Colorado -- Thousands of stoners began flooding the Capitol grounds this morning in the Mile HIGH city of Denver.  It is the start of the annual Weed Fest stoner migration named 420, coined by an early 70's stoner group named the Waldos...

Within hours of first toke, local merchants, convenience stores and fast food joints began complaining their shelves had been emptied of consumable stocks such as snack foods, burgers, hot dogs, pizza and the like.  FEMA and the National Guard have been called up to help restore calm through the emergency resupply of food stocks.

Meanwhile, President Obama reportedly had an epiphany while watching events progress in Denver on the Fox news channel...

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Recent terror activity in U.S. spawns global manhunt

A global manhunt is on by U.S. officials to find those responsible for recent acts of terror and violence...

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Pew & Gagme Foundation: National poll results for Mars mission candidates

Washington, D.C. -- It was announced today that applications are being sought for a trip to the red planet.  A national poll by the esteemed Pew & Gagme Foundation found that Americans overwhelmingly favored choosing their candidates for the one-way mission to Mars.  There were several hundred members of congress suggested with the top three candidates consisting of Barak Obama, Joe Biden and John Boehner.

Furthermore, the objective of this bold new journey is the colonization of Mars and procreation of our species.  Hillary Rodham Clinton and Nancy Pelosi are the current front runners to be their female counterparts and breeding mates.  Undoubtedly the human race would anxiously await image transmissions of our first little Martian offspring.  

Please feel free to post your candidate suggestions in the comments section below...

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

A stunning revelation about one of Washington's finest

In other news it was leaked by political staffers that Nancy Pelosi is being committed to a specialized form of rehabilitation.  Rumors and speculation are that she may have a moderate case of demonic possession...

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Congress makes historic progress on gun violence

NATION: Washington, D.C. – Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer delivered details of important progress made by congress this week on gun violence…

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Kerry warning and effort to calm South Korea

SOUTH KOREA, Seoul – Speaking to reporters, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry offered stern warnings to Kim Jong-un about his rhetoric on use of nuclear weapons, while seeking to calm South Koreans…

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Kerry presses on in Mideast

ISRAEL, Tel Aviv — Meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry wrapped up three days of high-level Mideast diplomacy.  

Kerry sought to lower expectations ahead of this week's trip, saying his goal was simply to listen and learn.. 

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Obama's 2014 budget plan -- is that an oxymoron?

Washington, D.C. - Obama plans to reveal his budget plan on Wednesday for 2014.  He is reportedly staying consistent with the same general message he's promoted since taking office...

House Republicans have already rejected Obama's bloated overspending and therefore a new round of congressional circle jerk is soon to commence.

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

U.S. response to North Korean first strike attempt

Over the weekend, Pentagon officials decided to release a graphic depiction of its response to a nuclear first strike attempt by North Korea against the U.S. or its allies...

Kim Jong-un might want to reconsider some of that rhetoric.  I'm just sayin...

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Kerry makes return trip to Mideast

New Secretary of State John Kerry held a news conference to discuss his peacemaking efforts in a return trip to the Mideast.  He was probed by reporters on important issues...

Kerry has reportedly been doing a fabulous job representing U.S. interests in the Mideast...

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Austin City News — Austin may score gigabit network !!!

The city of Austin and Google recently announced a joint press conference for business leaders to be held this Tuesday, April 9th, at 11 a.m.  The invitation states, “…the City of Austin and Google will make a very important announcement that will have a positive impact on Austinites and the future of the city.”

There is much conjecture that Austin will become the second recipient of a Google fiber gigabit network!  At the moment, Austin city officials and Google public relations have declined to comment.  Welcome to the fiberhood?  Stay tuned…

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Obama apologizes for commenting he thinks Kamala Harris is hot

President Obama described California Atty. Gen. Kamala Harris as "by far the best-looking attorney general in the country" in a news conference today.  The White House quickly acted to quell what many found to be a sexist statement.

More than likely it was all strictly business relating to some pork barrel legislation for California or perhaps a possible promotion for Kamala.

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Study finds 52% of Americans want pot legalized

NATIONAL:  The Pew Research Center did a study and found that fifty-two percent of Americans said marijuana use should be legal.  In a similar study conducted by the Pooch Research Foundation, a majority of American dogs agreed with their human counterparts with one caveat -- they want it baked in their food...

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Kim Jong-um releases secret weapon

KOREAN PENINSULA: After spotting a US warship off its Coast, North Korea's 30 year old boy dictator Kim Jong-um vowed no more tolerance for American Imperialists intervention and ordered release of a top secret weapon...

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

One US warship vs North Korea

KOREAN PENINSULA: Southwestern Coast - In response to missile threats against US interests and rhetoric of nuclear warfare emanating from North Korea, U.S. defense officials positioned the USS McCain, an Aegis-class guided-missile destroyer off the Korean peninsula's southwestern coast.

Reports surfaced that Pentagon officials stated, "Okay, you wanna draw red lines on a map...we can do that too..."

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness