The Daily Duce Dispatch: 2013

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

OJ Simpson back in court

Las Vegas, Nevada -- OJ Simpson was back in court today in an effort to overturn his kidnapping and armed robbery conviction. His hands were cuffed to his belt and legs shackled. A bit grayer and porkier these days, the former sports, TV commercial and movie star believes bad advice four years ago from his long time lawyer is what caused his conviction.

His new lawyers are trying to help him get it straight this time...

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

POLL: IRS political targeting — who’s responsible?

Washington, D.C. – What does it say about our country when a government entity as powerful as the IRS targets specific groups and organizations that have competing views with the current administration – in this case conservative vs. liberal.

The IRS singled out for scrutiny organizations with names and positions that included the terms “tea party,” “patriots,” “9/12 Project” – and critical views relating to government debt or taxes, government spending, and educating the public on how to “make America a better place to live” etc.

Organizations meeting these criteria were put on a “Be on the Lookout” list (BOLO), for scrutiny…

White House spokesman Jay Carney says President Obama will withhold blaming unknown Republican operatives for this outrageous conduct until his specially appointed task force completes its investigation.

Attorney General Eric H. Holder announced on Tuesday the Justice Department and FBI would examine whether any laws were violated at the agency, which has admitted targeting groups with the words “tea party” and “patriot” in their names.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

POLL: What to do with Ohio kidnapper-rapist Ariel Castro?

Cleveland, Ohio — Ariel Castro is being held on $8 million dollar bond for suspected rape and kidnapping of three young women for almost a decade. Also being held are his brothers Pedro Castro, 54, and Onil Castro, 50. It is believed one of these three men fathered a 6-year-old with one of the victims. Formal charges are expected to be completed this Wednesday…

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Ohio kidnapper and rapist -- life in prison or death penalty?

Cleveland, Ohio -- Ariel Castro, accused kidnapper and rapist, claimed in a 2004 suicide note that he was abused as a child and that regarding his victims, “They are here against their will because they made a mistake of getting in a car with a total stranger.”

Okay, this is supposed to be a satirical news site. But sometimes there is little to poke fun at, and the news is so disturbing it requires a new approach.

In the case of Ariel Castro, who hijacked the lives of three innocent, young women and tortured them for years, there is no doubt he deserves life in prison. But in this post, we pose the question, "Is that enough?" Does the depravity of Mr. Castro's crimes warrant the Death Penalty? Vote your conscience...

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Pussy Riot band member Nadezhda Tolokonnikova denied parole

WORLD: Moscow -- Member of Russian feminist punk band Pussy Riot, Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, was denied parole on Friday. She and two other members of the band were charged with "hooliganism" in March of last year for performing a "punk prayer" in a church, criticizing Putin, the Prime Minister of Russia at the time. She was sentenced to two years in a "penal colony".

She was later quoted as saying, "Hey, it could be worse. There's plenty to keep me entertained here in the penal colony. I'm so glad they didn't send me to the vagina colony!"

A number of American celebrities and dignitaries took up for the fresh-faced young woman, including former presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton.

Raw YouTube footage of the band's unconventional performance at Christ the Savior Cathedral in central Moscow, Russia's main Orthodox church, which got them into trouble can be accessed via this link. It appears they were doing a Russian version of the Harlem Shake. Caution, viewer discretion is advised lol...

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Feds frustrated in ricin letter case

Tupelo, Mississippi — Perturbed federal agents came up empty-handed in their investigation of a Mississippi, Elvis impersonator. Charges were dismissed today without prejudice for lack of evidence against Paul Kevin Curtis.

They have now focused their suspicion on another Mississippi man, Everett Dutschke. A ten hour search of his property was concluded today. Investigators declined to say if he now is a suspect for sending ricin-laced letters to President Barack Obama and others because he may also have impersonated Elvis in the past.

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Stoners descend on Denver capitol like locust pack

Denver, Colorado -- Thousands of stoners began flooding the Capitol grounds this morning in the Mile HIGH city of Denver. It is the start of the annual Weed Fest stoner migration named 420, coined by an early 70's stoner group named the Waldos...

Within hours of first toke, local merchants, convenience stores and fast food joints began complaining their shelves had been emptied of consumable stocks such as snack foods, burgers, hot dogs, pizza and the like. FEMA and the National Guard have been called up to help restore calm through the emergency resupply of food stocks.

Meanwhile, President Obama reportedly had an epiphany while watching events progress in Denver on the Fox news channel...

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Recent terror activity in U.S. spawns global manhunt

A global manhunt is on by U.S. officials to find those responsible for recent acts of terror and violence...

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Pew & Gagme Foundation: National poll results for Mars mission candidates

Washington, D.C. -- It was announced today that applications are being sought for a trip to the red planet. A national poll by the esteemed Pew & Gagme Foundation found that Americans overwhelmingly favored choosing their candidates for the one-way mission to Mars. There were several hundred members of congress suggested with the top three candidates consisting of Barak Obama, Joe Biden and John Boehner.

Furthermore, the objective of this bold new journey is the colonization of Mars and procreation of our species. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Nancy Pelosi are the current front runners to be their female counterparts and breeding mates. Undoubtedly the human race would anxiously await image transmissions of our first little Martian offspring.

Please feel free to post your candidate suggestions in the comments section below...

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Saturday, April 13, 2013

A stunning revelation about one of Washington's finest

In other news it was leaked by political staffers that Nancy Pelosi is being committed to a specialized form of rehabilitation. Rumors and speculation are that she may have a moderate case of demonic possession...

Congress makes historic progress on gun violence

NATION: Washington, D.C. – Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer delivered details of important progress made by congress this week on gun violence…

Kerry warning and effort to calm South Korea

SOUTH KOREA, Seoul – Speaking to reporters, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry offered stern warnings to Kim Jong-un about his rhetoric on use of nuclear weapons, while seeking to calm South Koreans…

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Kerry presses on in Mideast

ISRAEL, Tel Aviv — Meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry wrapped up three days of high-level Mideast diplomacy.

Kerry sought to lower expectations ahead of this week's trip, saying his goal was simply to listen and learn..

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Obama's 2014 budget plan -- is that an oxymoron?

Washington, D.C. - Obama plans to reveal his budget plan on Wednesday for 2014. He is reportedly staying consistent with the same general message he's promoted since taking office...

House Republicans have already rejected Obama's bloated overspending and therefore a new round of congressional circle jerk is soon to commence.

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Sunday, April 7, 2013

U.S. response to North Korean first strike attempt

Over the weekend, Pentagon officials decided to release a graphic depiction of its response to a nuclear first strike attempt by North Korea against the U.S. or its allies...

Kim Jong-un might want to reconsider some of that rhetoric. I'm just sayin...

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Kerry makes return trip to Mideast

New Secretary of State John Kerry held a news conference to discuss his peacemaking efforts in a return trip to the Mideast. He was probed by reporters on important issues...

Kerry has reportedly been doing a fabulous job representing U.S. interests in the Mideast...

Austin City News — Austin may score gigabit network !!!

The city of Austin and Google recently announced a joint press conference for business leaders to be held this Tuesday, April 9th, at 11 a.m. The invitation states, “…the City of Austin and Google will make a very important announcement that will have a positive impact on Austinites and the future of the city.”

There is much conjecture that Austin will become the second recipient of a Google fiber gigabit network! At the moment, Austin city officials and Google public relations have declined to comment. Welcome to the fiberhood? Stay tuned…

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Friday, April 5, 2013

Obama apologizes for commenting he thinks Kamala Harris is hot

President Obama described California Atty. Gen. Kamala Harris as "by far the best-looking attorney general in the country" in a news conference today. The White House quickly acted to quell what many found to be a sexist statement.

More than likely it was all strictly business relating to some pork barrel legislation for California or perhaps a possible promotion for Kamala.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Study finds 52% of Americans want pot legalized

NATIONAL: The Pew Research Center did a study and found that fifty-two percent of Americans said marijuana use should be legal. In a similar study conducted by the Pooch Research Foundation, a majority of American dogs agreed with their human counterparts with one caveat -- they want it baked in their food...

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Kim Jong-um releases secret weapon

KOREAN PENINSULA: After spotting a US warship off its Coast, North Korea's 30 year old boy dictator Kim Jong-um vowed no more tolerance for American Imperialists intervention and ordered release of a top secret weapon...

Monday, April 1, 2013

One US warship vs North Korea

KOREAN PENINSULA: Southwestern Coast - In response to missile threats against US interests and rhetoric of nuclear warfare emanating from North Korea, U.S. defense officials positioned the USS McCain, an Aegis-class guided-missile destroyer off the Korean peninsula's southwestern coast.

Reports surfaced that Pentagon officials stated, "Okay, you wanna draw red lines on a map...we can do that too..."

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Catholic Church position on gay marriage

On a popular Sunday morning tv show, Cardinal Timothy Dolan of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of New York, said that Catholics should support DOMA and oppose same sex marriage. Speaking of gay Catholics, he pretty much had this to say...

So now we know that God has an opinion on this matter; at least according to the Catholic Church.

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Saturday, March 30, 2013

North Korean missile threat targets Texas

NORTH KOREA: Pyongyang – The North Korean leader Kim Jong-un is reportedly targeting Texas for a missile strike out of jealously toward George W. Bush…

OMG…we need to be practicing our bomb shelter evacuations like now!

Zumba instructor pleads guilty

Portland, Maine - Zumba fitness instructor Alexis Wright solemnly answered guilty to 20 separate counts of prostitution, theft and tax evasion. Looking despondent and remorseful, she faces up to 10 months in the pokey...

Court observers were overheard offering advice to women that it's okay to accept dinners, diamonds, fur coats, cars etc. from gentleman friends; but under no circumstances should you accept cash or credit cards!

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Friday, March 29, 2013

Congressman Don Young makes apology

Washington, D.C. — Rep. Don Young apologized today for using a racial slur last year in reference to migrant farm workers...

North Korea readies for war

Tensions rise on Korean Peninsula after U.S. sends two nuclear-capable stealth bombers as part of a military exercise. North Korea's news agency KCNA, announced the country's leader Kim Jong Un convened a meeting with top generals and declared “the time has come to settle accounts with the U.S. imperialists”...

Demonstrators in the North Korean capital of Pyongyang carried signs that read "Let's crush the puppet traitor group" and "Let's rip the puppet traitors to death!" Not sure about you folks, but I'm really scared now...

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Obama drives home gun danger

Washington, D.C. - In a coordinated public lobbying effort, Obama made several appearances today to drive home his point on the dangers of gun ownership by ordinary citizens...

Biden / Bloomberg gun control news conference

Joe Biden and Michael Bloomberg joined Obama in stepping up pressure on congress for their gun control legislation...

Perhaps Archie Bunker has a solution: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLjNJI54GMM

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Outside Supreme Court all sides advocate

Washington, D.C. - At the Supreme Court, another day of hearings on gay rights unfolds. Before the world media outside the courthouse, all sides posture to get their individual messages heard.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Supreme Court takes up gay marriage

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Supreme Court begins hearing oral arguments today on the constitutionality of gay marriage rights. Prior to commencement, the Justices briefly paused for a picture...

Later, Homeland Security was dispatched to the scene to try and determine the origin of a lingering, foul odor. They have yet to determine the source but discounted any suggestion of terrorist activity.

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Monday, March 25, 2013

Jerry Sandusky maintains innocence in prison interview

Penn State pedophile Jerry Sandusky says a key witness in his criminal trial was lieing when he testified he saw him raping a boy in a campus shower in 2001...

Sure Jerry, we believe you. Be a good boy now and take your medicine.

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Sunday, March 24, 2013

New secretary of state John Kerry makes surprise visit to Iraq

BAGHDAD: New U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry made a surprise visit to Iraq today seeking help to stop the flow of Iranian arms to Syria. Lively exchanges in discovery and Q&A are ongoing.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Obama's Mideast mission sees good results...

After a grueling three days of productive talks in the Mideast, much to the chagrin of Shimon Peres, President Obama was overheard saying to Binyamin Netanyahu...

He was apparently a bit frazzled by an earlier incident...