The Daily Duce Dispatch: March 2013

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Catholic Church position on gay marriage

On a popular Sunday morning tv show, Cardinal Timothy Dolan of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of New York, said that Catholics should support DOMA and oppose same sex marriage. Speaking of gay Catholics, he pretty much had this to say...

So now we know that God has an opinion on this matter; at least according to the Catholic Church.

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch and The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Saturday, March 30, 2013

North Korean missile threat targets Texas

NORTH KOREA: Pyongyang – The North Korean leader Kim Jong-un is reportedly targeting Texas for a missile strike out of jealously toward George W. Bush…

OMG…we need to be practicing our bomb shelter evacuations like now!

Zumba instructor pleads guilty

Portland, Maine - Zumba fitness instructor Alexis Wright solemnly answered guilty to 20 separate counts of prostitution, theft and tax evasion. Looking despondent and remorseful, she faces up to 10 months in the pokey...

Court observers were overheard offering advice to women that it's okay to accept dinners, diamonds, fur coats, cars etc. from gentleman friends; but under no circumstances should you accept cash or credit cards!

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Friday, March 29, 2013

Congressman Don Young makes apology

Washington, D.C. — Rep. Don Young apologized today for using a racial slur last year in reference to migrant farm workers...

North Korea readies for war

Tensions rise on Korean Peninsula after U.S. sends two nuclear-capable stealth bombers as part of a military exercise. North Korea's news agency KCNA, announced the country's leader Kim Jong Un convened a meeting with top generals and declared “the time has come to settle accounts with the U.S. imperialists”...

Demonstrators in the North Korean capital of Pyongyang carried signs that read "Let's crush the puppet traitor group" and "Let's rip the puppet traitors to death!" Not sure about you folks, but I'm really scared now...

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Obama drives home gun danger

Washington, D.C. - In a coordinated public lobbying effort, Obama made several appearances today to drive home his point on the dangers of gun ownership by ordinary citizens...

Biden / Bloomberg gun control news conference

Joe Biden and Michael Bloomberg joined Obama in stepping up pressure on congress for their gun control legislation...

Perhaps Archie Bunker has a solution: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLjNJI54GMM

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Outside Supreme Court all sides advocate

Washington, D.C. - At the Supreme Court, another day of hearings on gay rights unfolds. Before the world media outside the courthouse, all sides posture to get their individual messages heard.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Supreme Court takes up gay marriage

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Supreme Court begins hearing oral arguments today on the constitutionality of gay marriage rights. Prior to commencement, the Justices briefly paused for a picture...

Later, Homeland Security was dispatched to the scene to try and determine the origin of a lingering, foul odor. They have yet to determine the source but discounted any suggestion of terrorist activity.

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Monday, March 25, 2013

Jerry Sandusky maintains innocence in prison interview

Penn State pedophile Jerry Sandusky says a key witness in his criminal trial was lieing when he testified he saw him raping a boy in a campus shower in 2001...

Sure Jerry, we believe you. Be a good boy now and take your medicine.

© 2013 The Daily Duce Dispatch The Austin Daily Duce Dispatch by Jeffrey Fadness

Sunday, March 24, 2013

New secretary of state John Kerry makes surprise visit to Iraq

BAGHDAD: New U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry made a surprise visit to Iraq today seeking help to stop the flow of Iranian arms to Syria. Lively exchanges in discovery and Q&A are ongoing.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Obama's Mideast mission sees good results...

After a grueling three days of productive talks in the Mideast, much to the chagrin of Shimon Peres, President Obama was overheard saying to Binyamin Netanyahu...

He was apparently a bit frazzled by an earlier incident...

Friday, March 22, 2013

NASA's advice if a killer asteroid is on approach...

At a recent House Committee meeting on asteroids, when NASA administrator Charles Bolden was asked if there was anything we could do if a meteor was detected on a collision course with Earth in three weeks, he pretty much had this to say...

Thanks Charles, I feel much better now!